IN MY SHOES

Walk a mile in my shoes, and then tell me if you’d still want to trade places with me.

There are moments where we find ourselves comparing what is going on in our lives with the lives of others – be it around us, on TV or social media. And then the sad part is we try to emulate exactly what we just saw in the hopes of inciting the right amount of likes and comments to validate our status in society.

I have seen this quote circulating on my social feeds and have heard conversations in passing about this “thief”. This quote struck me over and over again, and every single time I was confronted by it, I had to acknowledge my feelings.

Life has its good and bad moments, but it is what you do in all those moments that really matter, because it either makes or breaks you. It is important to share your joy, and your sadness because you never know who needs to hear what you have to share at that moment. In the good times, I found myself wanting what the next person had. In the bad times, I also wanted what the next person had. I had come to spend so much time comparing myself to everyone around me who “seemed” to have everything together – the house, the mortgage, the partner, kid and puppy in tow. I felt like life was passing me by and that all of it [the expectations defined by society] was eluding me. It didn’t help also that I also had pressure from family about settling down, in addition to the societal pressures of what a woman my age should have in her “portfolio” to be seen as a “success”. In a recent video, Mo of Lion Hunter touched on this very topic and I was so happy to hear someone else voice out what I had been thinking. I wasn’t alone, but it sure felt like it sometimes. In the moments where my back had been against the wall, I wanted to fill the shoes of the girl I saw on my feed and on TV, who seemed to have everything going for her because I thought that is what the perfect life looked like. 

Perspective.

After some time, thinking and seeking more knowledge, I started having deep conversations with women in my circle, friends and past loves who brought up so many other things that I hadn’t thought of, while I was busy comparing my life to the reflections of others. Loneliness. Loveless marriages. Divorces. Anger issues. Depression. Single parent homes. Shared custody. Miscarriages. Communication issues. Irreconcilable differences. Crazy in-laws. Alcohol issues … the list is endless. While I was comparing my perfectly imperfect life to the noise I was constantly bombarded with, there was no way to know for certain that those “perfect” lives were all that I chalked them up to be. I hadn’t walked in their shoes to know the good, the bad and the ugly that they had lived through to get their cookie-cutter life. Talking brought up so much food for thought that I hadn’t really given myself time to marinate over because I was so hyped up on the “I want what they have” train. Were they really happy? Was it all that and a bag of chips?

This morning, as I was having my morning coffee, I realized that I had let comparison get the better of me. I had let it steal my joy when I had everything to smile about. I had let all these feelings of “wanting more” take over me when I had everything I could want and need – and currently working towards the next chapter. And the most important thing I realized is, it’s okay to take my time to get there [where ever I want to go] in life. My hiatus taught me to love my rough edges and accept myself for all I am. 

So, my advice to you is, don’t compare your life to someone’s highlight reel or what they choose to selectively show you. You don’t know what they went through and how hard they worked or are working to live. The glimpse we get is just a snippet of their whole life – and it will only be that. Life continues outside of the four corners of the image shared, and it will continue even after the next image is posted. Instead, be happy for them and congratulate them on their moment. Cheer them on, because you don’t know how long or how hard it took for them to get there. 

So … “who am I?” and “do you still want to trade places with me?”

I am a 29-year-old black and proud woman living in this beautiful city of Vancouver. I live with my mom and two sisters – one older, one younger. My younger sister suffered a severe brain injury in 2012 and our lives were forever changed. From long drives to far away cities to visit her fragile unconscious body; to sleeping in hospital chairs and taking turns to guard her. To knowing what medication she takes and what it does; to ensuring that she is okay and when she is not, and knowing what can you do if she can’t articulate it properly so that she can be comfortable. To late night hospital visits with broken noses and bust-up lips; to washroom visits together while swapping feeding shifts – this is just a glimpse of my life that you don’t see that makes up my highlight reel. AND WITH ALL THAT … AND MORE (but I will save the rest for wine night). Despite all this, I have successfully been able to carve the life that I want, I have quit jobs that didn’t bring me joy, I eat cake and go to the gym, I date and have been decent at it. I see my friends and we laugh over wine. I babysit and it brings me joy. I do it all while being a part of this crazy fun-loving family that has its own ups and downs. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world. There is so much love. So much fight and determination. Blood, sweat, and tears that make up this beautiful collage. So many amazing moments that make this life so much more than the pictures you see on my feed. I wouldn’t trade my shoes for anyone and anything in the world. My life is beautiful.

We never know what is actually behind the picture that is shared on the “perfect Instagram grid”, nor do we know the ups and downs of that person apart from what they choose to show us when we tune into their lives. So, after this deep and heartfelt moment we just shared, all I can reiterate is this, stop wishing to be better and do better with the life you have, because it’s worth it. Don’t let comparison steal your joy. Walk in all your moments and own them all, because the beauty in the sad and happy – only you can understand the feelings in those moments.

Photography: Alyssa Dawson Photography

OOTD: Skirt – Banana Republic | Bodysuit – Zara | Shoes – Aldo | Jacket – Ralph Lauren Denim | Necklace – Winners | Earrings – The Bay | Watch – Michael Kors